Bigger Than My Shoes

Layout

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 21:17:06 GMT

Changed my layout =)
cUte

swing swing

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 20:14:00 GMT

I'm sick.
Amazing, right? Spending the entire night coughing my lungs out. So Comfy.
No seriously, I feel like I'm falling to pieces, and no one's spoiling meee.. *whines*

Well.. aside from Gui.

Anyway, I got a new compie!! hurray!! How cool is that?! Now I finally have a compie that follows my trail of thought.. and respects my speed... (I'm so overly sentimental about things that I keep my old one under my desk.. how sad am I, huh?! =P ).
I hate Bill Gates tho, and Microsoft, and stupid Windows Vista, which bugged me for like TWO weeks, until it decided to recognize my MP3 player! gah.

It's all cool now, tho.

And now I'm thinking of getting a new cutey cellphone.
I've been hooking of "flip-flop" cells (I call them that..) and I just found a cute soft-and-not-annoying pink one that's utterly cute. I wonder if it's look cute with stickers.
Oh, yeah, I've been kinda obsessing over jap stuff once again. and fashion scene, tho I don't really wanna take fashion design.. that'd be limiting. I wanna take Painting ina Arts Univ (yeah, and that's not limiting.. lol) but seriously, I wanna illustrate stuff, so that's cool (manga-ka *dreamy dreamy* manga-ka).

I'm starting second term next monday... One more term to...humm... do nothing. I hate the stupid getaway I chose: Arts History.. me!? the person who simply cant STUDY shit! Ironic!
The thing is, I'm actually a little glad for starting classes... I'm like dying of boredom these days. I mean, I have Gui and all, and we are like together most of the time and its amazing, but sometimes it get a little desperate and I'm starting to be really annoyed at everything and everyone and I don't like hurting him, or my friends and sister. It's unfair.
So I hope with classes I can entertain myself a little, since I can't always be kidnapping Gui from his classes and everyone else's already busy.

Gah, I dream too much sometimes. I truly think I don't belong in this country. I wanna be somewhere else! struggle somewhere else.. in here you just seem to go with the tide and drown in the boredom and corporate stuff... It's like there are four wall all around you and I'm fucking creative! They don't give me any paint to paint on these walls! I'm so tired.

That's why I wanna try it somewhere else.
Maybe I can concentrate.
Maybe I can start writing again.
=P
I really want that!

So, anyway, out of the blue: I'M FUCKING GOING TO SEE THE CURE!! AND FUCKING 65DAYSOFSTATIC!! how cool is that?!!
And i was so lucky, because the ticks sold out! and the news came out and Gui, my sis and her bf and me didn't have the ticks.. so we were devastated. But the next day my sister went to this place near her job and they still had ticks!! i was head over hills!! so cool!

ok.. I'm tired.. gonna wander off...
probably dance =P
(i'm hyper now.. gosh, how i hate mood swings)

Imagine

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 19:53:57 GMT

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
and the world will be as one.

Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

crazy people

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 21:54:50 GMT

I'm just talking to a new univ friend about the scary-slash-odd events of this afternoon... LOL seriously, it makes me laugh to one point.. but it was really... awkward and... *shudders* creepy...

It all started last friday, when I received a strange phone call from an old lady. She got my number from a notebook she found lying around on the Gulbenkian gardens. So my friend forgot her notebook and this old lady acted as a good samaritan and took it home and contacted me.

Until now, nothing that odd.

And that's until today...

When we went over to the old lady's house to get the notebook.

The crazy old lady was a religious freak and a hardcore Sporting football club fan! While we were looking for our way, she even called crying telling us that only disgrace would happen to her...

Wanna know what she called disgrace?! breaking her Sporting glass and stupidly locking the door (without having the key) to the room where she put the notebook.

Then she proceeded to tell us her story and keep us in that saint-filled living room... Until we finally got away...

Next wednesday we're going ack to get the book...

she had a f*cking right with Deus (God) written on it O_O

freeeeeeeeeeaky...

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 20:02:11 GMT

My dad's been nagging me for three days now for me to write my schedule down for him... I guess sooner of latter I'll have to do it... bugger

I'm sick again, btw. This stupid weather is playing little games with me: cold, rain and then sun... and my heat-producing body does not like to be fucked-up, so I'm with yet another cold.
Which sadly means that my nose is falling apart.

I kinda got lucky today, my class went on a field trip, but there was no room for everyone, so I went to my english classes instead and spent the rest of the afternoon home.
And even got presents!! =) my super sweet boyfriend bough me the Lacuna Coil EP's and Karmacode, meaning that i'm only missing their first album: In a Reverie... and even two Subways warm cookies, one with white chocolate and other with smarties! He's adorable, isn't he?

And we watched Anastasia, the kids movie... =D I love it, and I was missing it so much, so... he was great when he brought his old video tape.

seriously, i'm not breathing right now... meh, I hate being sick...

So tomorrow i'm skipping first class of the day...

which is actually very very boring and the teacher s a total n00b and doesn't really know how to explain and she's been talking of Greek pottery painting for like 4 classes now... non-stop.. and I'm not in the mood...

So I'll just stay home the whole morning and watch Bones, my new TV addiction.. which sometimes can be kinda crappy...

meh

gotta head out for dinner...

I haven't been to philosophic lately...

odd..

Writer's Block: Total Transformation

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 19:02:38 GMT

What's the most drastic change you've ever made to your appearance?

View 500 Answers

Bleaching my hair... I was the #1 topic in my school for two months.

I'm a screw-up, but really, who cares?!

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 14:07:17 GMT

I've been missing for quite some time now... Did anyone notice it really?

It's seems I'm basing my life on how much people miss me. It's what you do when you feel lonely and small. My boyfriend makes me feel huge, truthfully, but the thing is, I can rely solely on him to make me feel like I exist. I truly want to exist.

It feels extremely emo... gosh, how low could I have fallen...

I think this all "worsened" when I got into college. Sure is great, sure I'm not sitting around at home alone hoping for my boyfriend to get out of classes... but.. I'm truly disappointed in college.
People say it's where you meet a lot of people, you make friends, and so far none of that happened to me.
It's dreadful when people sit beside me and don't say a word during 2hours of classes... I don't know my classmates and the two or three I know the name and are nice to me.. well, they have their groups already, and I'm not part... It's unfair. I'm terribly lonely there, I don't know anyone, I spend the classes drawing all alone, they only answer to me when I ask what time it is or something... It's so sad. I feel so sad.

When did I became antisocial?

Back in 9th grade I'd speak with everyone in my classroom. We'de laugh together and have fun.
Then I isolated myself with a dreadful bitch and my life feel to pieces.
I don't know anyone no more. Sure I know how blessed I am to have an amazing boyfriend and at least 3 friends I talk to, but they are all away, they aren't near me all that much, I rarely even see them.
I used to talk to people on msn, have lots of contacts, now I'm online and nobody chats with me. I installed AIM and I don't even know why I bothered...
The plain truth is that, I don't have anyone to talk to that much.
I don't have anyone to go out with. While everybody I know has fun, goes out, drinks, talks, meets people, I sit alone at home because no one invites me, no one notices me.
I don't have... I don't even know.

I don't have a life.
I spend the best part of it whining and crying.
I know I should try to do something for myself, but I'm so sensitive because of all the crap I've been put through and I can't get around to talk to people. I fear so much to be told back.

I'm so scared they wont like me, like it happens all he time.

I'll never be bigger than my shoes, why would I ever think I'd be?

fuck!

College and Rufus

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 19:39:44 GMT

I got into college!!

Arts History at Universidade Nova de Ciencias Sociais de Lisboa. =D It's awesome!! and tomorrow it's my fist class...starts at noon... I'm shivering... I'm scared.. I'm enthusiastic... I'm... Alive.

I'm really scared because, along with me, only two other girls got in, and I'm going to completely fall there, knowing no one and nothing at all. It's going to be extremely awkward but I'll try my best to be social.. gah.. I'm so freaking out! I think I'm going to monopolize a friend of mine and make him go to class with me.. ah, I'm such a baby.. ehe

No, not really, I'm not gonna do that...

Either way, and so tomorrow me and my boyfriend went to the RUFUS WAINWRIGHT CONCERT, to which I won the tickets!
The seats weren't the greatest ones, but I could see everything and it was great, I had no head in front of me.. aha!

Rufus was awesome, and he and his band put on a AMAZING SHOW, I can say that it was the greatest show I've been to this year!

here's the set list:

1st Part - Clothing: Red & White Striped Suit

Release The Stars
Going To A Town
   speech in which he talked about the carriage museum here in Belem and called himself a little princess without a throne
Sanssouci
Rules and Regulations
Danny Boy
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
Art Teacher
Tiergarten
   speech in which he talks about the streets here in downtown Portugal and compares them to Paris' ones
Leaving For Paris
Between My Legs his yoga teacher does the vocals at the end of the song.

2nd Part - Clothing: Australian Tipical Clothing

The Consort
Do I Disappoint You
Foggy Day In London
If Love Were All
Nobody's Off The Hook
Beautiful Child
Not Ready To Love
Slideshow
Macushla
   Irish traditional song which he sang without microphone, Opera-like, and his amazing voice was heard throughout the entire coliseum
14th Street
   Afterwords they sand Happy Birthday to Matt, the drummer.

ENCORE - Entered with a white bathrobe

I Don't Know What It Is
Poses
Barcelona
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
   All of which sand with his mom playing the piano

ENCORE #2 - He sat down on a chair while the crew took the piano from the way, pun on clip earrings, make-up and high heel shoes and when he took off the bathrobe he was with tights and a suit coat, as if a little dress, and he put a black hat on =P

Get Happy
   with an amazing and funny cabaret style and dance.
Gay Messiah

It was amazing!!
Gosh, I wish I could go back! I'm so happy right now.

Here's a photo of him

http://blitz.aeiou.pt/users/0/80/a224a3b1.jpeg

Big day approaching

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 21:01:08 GMT

I love spoiling my boyfriend. I simply absolutely love it. I love to see those shiny eyes and that adorable face he does when he's absolutely not expecting something.. which is almost always.. He never expects anything from anybody... Let's just say he'd NEVER been spoiled by anyone.

So he's with a cold right now, and with classes, and as I'm not in classes (yet, hopefully) I took it upon myself to spoil him just a little... So I bought him these fingerless gloves he'd been flirting with and I bought us donuts and we made some hot white chocolate and ate some marshmallows all the while as i spoiled him with caresses and hugs and keeping him warm and cozy =)

It was really good, very good, and helped me forget a little about an upcoming issue...

Tomorrow I will finally know if I got into college or not!!

Ok.. So I'm already in college... we have 2 phases here. And I got in in the first one. Pretty good... but the thing is, I wanted to go to Fine Arts University and I got in Literature University... which was ok, until I actually got in there and saw what a mess the stupid univ was and how everyone hated it and how I had to make my own schedule and how I had to have awful classes, and up until 11p.m. so I simply decided: To HELL with it!!

and never set my feet in there again.

Then came the second phase, to which I didn't apply because it said there were no vacancies for Art History (I want Painting in Fine Arts University, but the grades are too high for me right now so next year I'm going to repeat my exams and apply again), and I pretty much preferred Art History which is a cool university and... you know.. it's art related... but, supposedly, there were no vacancies...

6 people got in!!

I felt f*cking frustrated!

So i got my parents to put me in the British Council, taking an English course and in the Society of Fine Arts, to take a Drawing course for the time being...

But then I discovered they were opening a 3rd phase inside certain universities. And they still had 3 vacancies for Arts History. So I went and applied! And tomorrow is the big day! and I'm scared.. I mean, I have grades... I have 154,5 and the first one to enter the second phase(and it was his last choice) could have gotten in with 150,5 or something... I just hope I'm lucky enough!

The thing is.. I'm kinda worried.. because my parents paid for the British and the Drawing course and the British I can change class and all, but the Drawing class, either I have it from 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. or i quit... but they won't give the money back.. and that's the hard thing...

I mean, i'm going to have a lot of work, from British and specially from the university, because i have to catch up with everyone and i already lost about two months... I'm having a dilemma here.. I don't know what to do.. My parent's were very supportive and helped me out a lot... and the money doesn't come easy... and now throwing it all away... but still I wanna have some time with my boyfriend, which I'm going to find very hard to have.. and we're almost making 7 months and we've been together almost everyday, we never had any trouble.. it'll be very hard to get used to see him only a couple times a week.. very hard.. meh

I'm with a dilemma... truthfully I don't wanna go to the Drawing classes anymore.. and they eat o lot of my schedule... but.. the money... I just don't want to disappoint my parents and thrown their money away..

gah...
I'm waiting for the results!

I applied for Arts history,
Translation
Portuguese Studies and
Language Sciences.

wish me luck!

Feed 'em to the lions!

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 19:57:25 GMT

Yesterday the play was cool =) I had a ride from a friend, her second time driving or something.. I survived ehe

And my boyfriend discovered something really interesting..

To cut a long story short, my boyfriend and a couple of friends had a band, he was the singer. The drummer was a hire drummer, but the other two were his best-friends... Turns out one of them, the guitarist is a complete asshole and used a song they all came up with an preformed last December and entered the Xbox contest with it, saying that he created it for the contest, INSPIRED BY THE F*CKING FABLE II GAME!!

And we WON!

He gave interviews, and did he mention the band, the whole writing process, the whole creation process with his friends?! No he did not. He was a solo artist. It was HIS song! How low can a person get?!

Anyway, so then he got all "oooh please *cry cry cry* forgive me!! please please please *cry cry cry*"

The band gave him a second chance (much to my personal displeasure... I warned my boyfriends I didn't like it, but I didn't want to mess the whole friendship up..), mostly because they were opening for a gig of other fellow band (Death Karaoke).

My boyfriend decided to call the band "On Beauty".

Two rehearsals it was all it took for my boyfriend to call him and quit the band. And so did the bass player. And so the band went kaput and there's no more On Beauty for no one.

What amazes me was that in a RECENT interview with the bastard, after he went on studio to record his motherfucking song (Heavy Falling Feather, the new improve version of the way-better Falling Feather, which lyrics are actually at my place right now, along with the video of the performance), he mentioned to the paper that he was part of a four-piece band called On Beauty!!

What part of the break off didn't he get?
He's hated by everyone who was once his friend.
He's hated by everyone who had a glimpse of what he is.

But that's not the point, the very interesting thing we discovered is that, his dad, who's admin of the Siemens here in Portugal, screwed a few guys over to get to the top. Like father like son.

Those people shouldn't even be allowed... something!
Gosh I hate people like that, no character, no good.

Life is a Play

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 20:27:54 GMT

I'm going to see a play today.
I think I've seen it before, it's by my old History teacher, who's an actor too. I had drama classes lat year with him, it was a project assignment.

I like drama. It's amazingly challenging. It's not like doing a movie where you can go and repeat until you like the scene and edit the whole thing. You have rehearsals, which most of the time don't go so well, and I know about it, and when it's the BIG day, if you fail you can't just go back and cut the scene, you have to keep on and never let on your mistake.

A good actor is one that is able to improvise a speech when a line is forgotten, one you can turn the conversation in such a smooth way that no one in the audience notices it. One that is so fully in the character that you cease to see him but see only the character. One that is able to play different roles, perfectly.

A good actor is a rare breed...

I wasn't a good actress.. I was just an amateur. I played my characters the best I could but it's a very difficult art, and sometimes you fall in the same gestures as your previous character..

It's so easy to act in real life, we are different people interacting with different people a lot of times, showing different parts of ourselves that sometimes two of our friends can't find a match on those two different personalities. But when we are presented with a role to be consciously portrayed we have such difficulty.

I really like drama. It gave me the chance to be a high-school outcast killer and a lesbian hooker in two different plays, people that I have never been and will never be. It's just amazing, magical even, to explore such horizons and free some feelings and ideas from the depths of yourself, be very sexy and flirty and innocent at the same time while using corsets and fishnets, or be extremely depressed, angry and neurotic to the point of killing someone cold-blooded out of pure hatred.

Acting... is a fascinating world, developing skills, discovering yourself, breaking boundaries and impersonating people, pushing yourself to the furthest. It's insane and risky in a safe way. You can be everything! Bigger than your shoes, Bigger than the world, even with the smallest role.

But... I stopped acting.

I had the chance, my teacher sent me a letter asking me to act in the Alumni Group... but, what's the fun in acting with people that you hate? There are about two of them that I like, most of them I don't know, but the small percentage of the people that I TRULY hate, the venom, the acting when there's no drama (play), the drama, the bitching, the hate.. Gosh, I just hate their guts! (DIE BITCHES!)

Aside from that, I was with a great friend today, along with my boyfriend, at the cafe today.
I've been having chocolate donut cravings.
Ate one =P

gotta go get ready..

OMG

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 21:57:38 GMT

OMG!! I JUST WON TWO FREE TICKETS FOR A RUFUS WAINWRIGHT CONCERT NEXT TUESDAY!!!

OMG
OMG

I'm a baby, but I bought a cute cute red jacket!

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 20:54:28 GMT

Today today today...

I just realized how stupidly childish I am.

And what I make my boyfriend go through with all my monopolizing and appreciation-wanting... He does appreciate me, truly... I'm just a baby and cry over humm... nothing.

The thing is, I guess I'm 18 but I'm not truly 18. What I mean is that I'm still too much of a child and I don't understand some things, such as: other people are not to blame or to be yelled at if my surprise plan for them is ruined by subway technical problems...

I'm trying to change... I am... Gosh, it's so hard to suddenly have to deal with all these flaws you never noticed before so you won't hurt the person you most love... But it's worth it! It's for him (and myself).

Other than that I bough the cutest red jacket ever... and I'll be back to buy the purple one!! As winter is catching up I have an excuse for winter-shopping. Not that you notice it's gonna be cold... it's been god-damned sunny around here, clear sky, casual wind... early mornings are terribly cold, and late afternoons/evenings turn freezing... that's why I got my stupid cold, which is getting better, by the way.

Out of the blue: I installed AIM... I really need friends... please! This is pathetic, I know, but I'm really fearing that I get into university next tuesday, which will be already halfway into the term, and don't meet anyone and will be doomed to spend my days shopping alone and waiting for my boyfriend's free time... It's terrible... I wish I had someone I could go out for coffee with and have random chats and generally have fun and then we could have a group and then it'd be way easier to find people for the inter-rail i'm planning for next year.. ah

Gosh, I need friends... How can i make some?
Any hits?

Does anyone read this?
(Not really, right?)

*sigh*

I'm sick but I carved a pumpkin so that's ok..

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 14:28:36 GMT

I'm sick.

I've been with a cold for a couple days now, even missed my first drawing class.

Of course I'm not getting better, because being trapped inside the coliseum in a Moonspell halloween concert and inhaling more than 3 packs of cigarettes, along with weed and whatever, didn't make me any good, and now I feel even a little worse.

It all would be forgiven if the concert was anything short for great, but the truth is, my blocked nose, my sore throat, my sensitive eyes and my sleepy boyfriend took all my attention and I listened to about two songs tops. Not that I really mind, truth is, I'm not even a really big fan, I only went as a favor to my friends..

It could have been a great night, I'm aware, I was just too sick to notice that.

But I carved a pumpkin for the first time!!
so yesterday wasn't a totally lost day =)

my first pumpkin ever, carved it with my boyfriend... maybe I'll post some pics later, it's just that it's his camera and I'm waiting for him to send me the pics.

But it's the cutest pumpkin ever! I mean, ok, it's a pumpkin... a regular one, but since it's my first, and mine, it's the greatest ever!

It's still alive in my hall, with a candle burning inside.. it's the cutest. I'm thinking of, maybe tomorrow, either abandon in on top of a garbage can so that the garbage men will see it, or maybe at the door of the cemetery... just some ideas.

My sister left today for Madrid. Lucky one.
I'm stuck home with a cold.

I really hate not being in university....

my eyes are itchy...

meh

I want to be bigger than my shoes

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 13:12:24 GMT

I've been thinking, not at all trying to be deep or anything. I've just been thinking. I've been doing it alot lately.

It just feels as though something is missing and I can't quite cope with it.

The thing is, as I realized yesterday, I want to be bigger than my shoes. It's not that I'm unhappy in them, its just that I'm giving in to my human condition of always wanting more.

I have plenty already, I have the most amazing person in my life and all my friends, the thing is, they've been missing in their own lives and I've been feeling terribly lonely. I've been feeling terribly.. missing.

Every song I listen to, every line in a book that I read, every word I write makes me crave for something exciting. Why is everyone fictional having so much fun and me, that I'm real, can't?! Why am I underrating my whole life and wanting to be a fictional character somewhere in a post modern book, drinking all night out and smoking what I've ceased to do, just talking nonsense to a group of fictional friends who enjoy the same freedom as fictional me?

I need to do something with my life.

I'm 18 for goodness sake, I can only live once and I've been trapped inside this un-risked body, inside this non-risky house with my family.

I want to go out there. I want to get into a car and drive in the night through the mountains, searching for satanic ritual carved in stones, I want to challenge people, and to be challenged. I want to be free, and crazy, and happy. I want to be the person I think I can be. And if I don't like it, I can always go back to what i am right now, just this dreamy girl searching for the right friends and trying to cope with growing up. There's always a way back. Right now I'm searching for a way front.

I want to hold my friends close and travel somewhere insane in just a couple hours of the day.

I want to run like I never ran before.
I want to dance like I never danced before.
I want... so much more than this sedentary life.
So much more than just idealizing, dreaming or imagining. I want to accomplish it.

That's why

I want to be bigger than my shoes.